That makes sense. If you write, “You did what?” he laughed… the phrasing complicates the action rather than refines.
Lately, I’ve been working on removing tag lines to make a conversation more immediate and bring the reader deeper into the story. I often use narrative paragraphs and insert dialogue into action as another way to make the scene immediate.
Nick led us along the edge of the jagged cliff wall and pointed out marks that indicated the old road. “Kamehameha built this all the way around the island. Most of it’s gone now.” Nick looked saddened by the wavering marks at his feet. He lifted his head to look out over the sea and his eyes narrowed as if wondering whether the enemy was sea or time.
I didn’t need to use “he said” because the action showed who was speaking.
Marion followed. “Do you have time to listen to a dream?” I always had time for dreams. Her fingers drew idle circles across her belly. She’d dreamed this child would be a boy and would carve a path without her. Her eyes, when she looked up, pooled into brown puddles. “Boys do,” I said. My sons and I were close, but they’d pulled away as they became older teenagers. “If you let him fly, he’ll come back.” The worried crease between her eyes softened. “Are you sure?”
Because I had two speakers in the above paragraph, it helped to use ‘I said,” – and use it early so it didn’t distract from what followed. By inserting the dialogue into the paragraph rather than separating each line of dialogue into a new paragraph, I wanted to make the conversation more immediate.
So what do you think? Do these paragraphs work for you or are you confused by the format?
How do you create immediacy in your writing? What works for you? I’d love to hear about it.